The Cudgel and the Sack
A now-defunct website requested this short audio piece about how long it takes to plan the perfect murder. Parody is at the far end of my range, and it was fun to get out there for a weekend. So fun, in fact, that I ended up writing two scripts for them to choose from. They went with “The Cudgel and the Sack,” a takeoff on Poe’s “The Cask of Amontillado.” The other was based on “Double Indemnity.” For How Long? Robert Masa and Lisa Kusel, producers.
Two gentlemen sit in a drawing room, circa 1830, enjoying after-dinner conversation over port and fine cigars.
MONTRESOR
The thousand injuries of Fortunato I had borne as best I could, but when he ventured upon insult I vowed revenge.
LUCHESI
Really? What do you intend to do?
MONTRESOR
I shall slap him till he bleeds and spit on his wounds.
LUCHESI
You, Montresor? I have seen our dear Fortunato at the gymnasium and I wouldn’t slap the man, I can tell you that.
MONTRESOR
You wouldn’t slap a toothless crone, Luchesi, bless your timid soul.
LUCHESI
You should have seen what he did to Salario.
MONTRESOR
What?
LUCHESI
It wasn’t pretty.
MONTRESOR
I’ll work him over with a cudgel, then.
LUCHESI
I think Salario had a cudgel.
MONTRESOR
I’ll shoot him in the back with my pistol. Hang “valor” and all that.
LUCHESI
Kill him?
MONTRESOR
Certainly. He deserves it.
LUCHESI
But a shot in the back?
MONTRESOR
It’s cowardly, I know.
LUCHESI
Not at all; it’s prudent. But don’t expect such an act to avenge anything.
MONTRESOR
What are you saying?
LUCHESI
He’s got to see you, Montresor. It’s not proper revenge if the revengee doesn’t know he’s being punished by the revengor.
MONTRESOR
Then I’ll wave my pistol in his fat face and say, “This is for calling me a sniveling bedwetter, you pig!” and then I’ll blow his brains—
(pause)
What?
LUCHESI
You’re going about this all wrong, Montresor.
MONTRESOR
How so?
LUCHESI
If you go waving a gun around and babbling like that you’re bound to get caught.
MONTRESOR
I don’t care. It would be worth it to see his face.
LUCHESI
You must not only punish, Montresor, but punish with impunity. Otherwise Fortunato gets the last laugh.
MONTRESOR
He’ll be dead!
LUCHESI
He’ll be laughing in his grave, believe me.
MONTRESOR
(muttering)
Laughing in his grave.
(pause)
Luchesi, there’s our answer. Yes, Fortunato will laugh in his grave. He’ll laugh, he’ll cry, he’ll scream...he’ll curse me, Montresor! to his last breath!
LUCHESI
There’s the spirit! That’s the spirit of revenge. Tell me, though, what exactly do you have in mind?
MONTRESOR
The catacombs.
LUCHESI
The catacombs? What?
MONTRESOR
Fortunato will spend the remainder of his miserable life in the bowels of the Montresor catacombs. Buried alive.
LUCHESI
(pause)
Bravo. I like it.
MONTRESOR
Immured under this very house.
LUCHESI
Wall him up, eh?
MONTRESOR
A room of his own. No view, regrettably.
LUCHESI
A little of the old brick and mortar!
MONTRESOR
Forever dark, forever damp, the air stale with centuries of death...
LUCHESI
But, truthfully, how do you propose to get the man down there?
MONTRESOR
I’ll hit him with my cudgel and drag him down.
LUCHESI
We seem to be back where we started.
MONTRESOR
No, hear me out, Luchesi: I’ll invite Fortunato over to the palazzo one Sunday when the servants are off. After lunch I’ll suggest we take a turn in the garden, where I’ll point out the latest tulips from Holland. When he bends over to breathe in the fragrance I’ll bash him on the head with my cudgel.
LUCHESI
I see a flaw.
MONTRESOR
Impossible.
LUCHESI
Tulips have no scent.
MONTRESOR
Really?
LUCHESI
It’s true.
MONTRESOR
Perhaps I should plant roses, then.
LUCHESI
I don’t like this plan. What if your mother sees you?
MONTRESOR
Mother hasn’t been out of her room some forty years now.
LUCHESI
But doesn’t her window give onto the garden?
MONTRESOR
It does, but she’s confined to her bed.
LUCHESI
The bed stands near the window if I’m not mistaken.
MONTRESOR
Yes, but it faces the other direction.
LUCHESI
(pause)
Still, I don’t like this plan.
MONTRESOR
For God’s sake, why?
LUCHESI
It’s the cudgel, I think. Fortunato is a big man; the cudgel might just annoy him.
MONTRESOR
Hmmm. I could get him drunk. He’s a terrible lush; he’ll drink himself unconscious if I open a couple of bottles of the ’92.
LUCHESI
The ’92?
MONTRESOR
You see my determination, Luchesi. My only problem is getting him from the drawing room down three flights into the vaults.
LUCHESI
The man’s an ox.
MONTRESOR
An absolute hippo.
LUCHESI
I’ve got it!
MONTRESOR
Yes?
LUCHESI
Didn’t you order a cask of sherry last month?
MONTRESOR
Yes—Amontillado, but never mind—go on.
LUCHESI
That will get him down to the vaults. The fat fart will gladly descend to the depths for a little taste of the sack.
MONTRESOR
Amontillado.
LUCHESI
Yes, yes, Amontillado.
MONTRESOR
(pause)
You may have something there. Let the fool walk to his own burial.
LUCHESI
I’ll wager you won’t be able to hold him back.
MONTRESOR
He’ll drag me down the stairs.
LUCHESI
Get him stinking drunk and then wall him up!
MONTRESOR
He’ll wet himself!
LUCHESI
He’ll foul himself!
MONTRESOR
He’ll claw at the stones until his fingers are bloody!
LUCHESI
By God, it’s the perfect murder.
MONTRESOR
I’ll drink to that!
LUCHESI
Salud.
They chink glasses and drink.
MONTRESOR
Ah, one thing, though. I canceled the order for the Amontillado.
LUCHESI
You don’t say!
MONTRESOR
It was a tad pricey and I had my doubts.
LUCHESI
(pause)
That’s too bad.
MONTRESOR
(pause)
Yes, isn’t it.
LUCHESI
(pause)
There’s always the cudgel.
END
Image: Artist unknown. Found at http://laurenmclesterenglishproject.weebly.com/the-cask-of-amontillado.html