Single Indemnity and a Really Nice House
This is the alternate script, a takeoff on 1940s film noir. The setup is the same as for “The Cudgel and the Sack”: How long does it take to plan the perfect murder? For How Long? Robert Masa and Lisa Kusel, producers.
Languid music on the phonograph. There’s a knock at the door.
WOMAN
Come in.
The door opens.
Oh...it’s you.
MAN
You were expecting someone else?
WOMAN
Frankly I was expecting my husband.
MAN
Your husband knocks at his own door?
WOMAN
We have an understanding.
MAN
How convenient for you.
WOMAN
Can I get you something?
MAN
What do you have in mind?
WOMAN
Obviously not what you have in mind.
MAN
What makes you think I have something in mind?
WOMAN
Your eyes are like a couple of billboards.
MAN
Yeah? What are they selling?
WOMAN
Something I’m not buying.
MAN
How do you know if you haven’t tried it?
WOMAN
Oh, I’ve tried it all right, and it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
MAN
This is the new improved version.
WOMAN
Take it to Macy’s. I’ve got six nails left to do.
MAN
I like the traffic on this corner. You get a better class of clientele.
WOMAN
You’re quite the salesman, aren’t you, Johnny.
MAN
The name’s Hank, but you can call me Johnny if it makes you happy.
WOMAN
Hank. Johnny. What does it matter?
MAN
The only thing that matters is what you put on the check.
WOMAN
So that’s what you came up here for.
MAN
Yeah, but I’ll stick around if you got something better.
WOMAN
You know my husband’s right outside.
MAN
I saw him out by the pool. Looks a little old for you.
WOMAN
Age isn’t his best feature.
MAN
No, I bet money’s his best feature.
WOMAN
How much do I owe you, Romeo?
MAN
What’s the matter, did I touch a nerve?
WOMAN
I’m full of nerves if you know where to touch. There, that should cover it.
MAN
I can’t break a C-note.
WOMAN
Keep it.
MAN
All I did was change the plugs and set the timing.
WOMAN
Let’s just say I like your face.
MAN
Let’s just say my face likes you.
WOMAN
See you around, handsome. Close the door on your way out.
MAN
I’ll take that drink, if the offer’s still good.
WOMAN
(pause)
Sure, why not. Scotch?
MAN
Rocks.
Ice cubes in glass. The Scotch is poured.
WOMAN
You look like you could use it.
MAN
Yeah, how’s that?
WOMAN
A little hot around the collar.
MAN
Baby, looking at you makes me sweat.
WOMAN
Maybe it’s your thyroid.
MAN
Maybe it’s my heart going twelve rounds with my common sense.
WOMAN
Who do you think I should bet on?
MAN
I’d take my heart by a knockout in the fifth.
WOMAN
I like your style.
MAN
I like your looks.
WOMAN
Looks can be deceiving.
MAN
I like everything about you, baby.
WOMAN
Of course you do. You don’t know me.
MAN
I know enough to know what I like.
WOMAN
You don’t give up, do you.
MAN
Not till I get what I want.
WOMAN
And what exactly is that?
MAN
Do I have to spell it out?
WOMAN
You can spell?
Silence.
Oh, kiss me, dammit.
They kiss.
MAN
Baby, where you been all my life?
WOMAN
It’s a long story.
MAN
Give me the Classics Illustrated version.
WOMAN
I married for money and now I’m miserable. The end.
MAN
Baby, this is just the beginning.
WOMAN
You’re off to a good start, I can say that much for you.
MAN
From now on it’s just you and me.
WOMAN
Look around, Tarzan. Where would a gorgeous grease monkey like you get the bananas to keep me in digs like these?
MAN
What’s more important, all this or us?
WOMAN
I’ve got class, Johnny. I’m not giving that up for nobody.
MAN
That’s what I like about you.
WOMAN
Can you afford that kind of class, Johnny?
MAN
Afford it? I’ve been saving up all my life for a dame like you.
WOMAN
You must be ready to burst.
MAN
Kiss me, baby.
They kiss.
Oh, baby.
WOMAN
Oh, Johnny, I can’t bear it anymore. You’ve got to take care of my husband.
MAN
He’s got money. Let him take care of himself.
WOMAN
No, Johnny, I mean take care of him.
MAN
You mean...
WOMAN
It’s the only way, Johnny, if we are ever to be together.
MAN
Say, what do you take me for?
WOMAN
The man I might just spend the rest of my life with. Tell me I’m wrong.
MAN
Tell me I just won the Irish Sweepstakes.
WOMAN
Hold me, Johnny, I’m scared.
MAN
I’m here, baby.
WOMAN
I trust you, Johnny.
They kiss again.
MAN
Oh, baby baby.
WOMAN
There’s a gun in the glove compartment of the Bentley. Make it look like a robbery. Take his wallet or something.
MAN
I’ll see you tonight, baby.
He leaves, closing the door. The woman hums to herself as she makes another drink, then picks up the phone and calmly dials.
WOMAN
Hello, may I speak with Sergeant Manley?
(pause)
Yes, this is Ann Wentworth.
(pause)
Not so well, Sergeant Manley...
(pause)
Steve.
(pause)
Yes, that is much better. Much better.
(pause)
It’s my husband, Steve. I’m afraid he’s—oh, hold on a moment.
After a long pause, there’s a gunshot in the background.
I’m afraid my husband has been shot.
(pause)
I think he’s dead.
Another gunshot.
Yes, I’m sure of it.
The sound of wheels screeching in the background.
Oh, I’m quite safe. The killer’s gone. He stole the Bentley.
(pause)
Yes, his name is Hank something or other. He’s the man from A. J.’s who works on our cars.
(pause)
Yes, I’ll be here, I won’t move. Hurry, Steve.
end
Image: Publicity still of Barbara Stanwyck from Double Indemnity. Found at http://the-toast.net/2014/10/29/barbara-stanwycks-wig-double-indemnity-throughout-ages/